Dear Mother Nature,

After the baby, I know there are parts that will never be the same, but…Sure, we all can’t have a body like Kim Kardashian, but are you mocking me? I have a caboose the size of the state I live in – Look, Thomas is the ONLY one in awe! I know I’m easily fascinated by those sponges that expand when you add water to them but when did my butt become a specimen? Did Mickey D’s call in a favor? Mother N, I’m also wondering about my symmetry. Am I forever destined to wear a loose-fitting poncho only to be befriended by Betty Suarez”? It’s summer you know, and Betty’s flight was canceled back in March.

There were months of yakking, swollen ankles and lots of empty pickle jars, and now I’m sporting an 11-pound baby calf and needing a new wardrobe because “spit happens”. Thanks for the extra T&A…but not really…I’m just trying to be nice. Some say it’s all to prevent me from getting pregnant…again. Good call, but couldn’t you have just talked with my PCP and had “Trojan Man” come to the rescue? Did you two have a falling out? You and my OB, not the hottie on the stallion.

For crying out loud, us women need to stick together! Wait, you’re not some superlative mistress on a pedestal who’s waiting for the right moment to stick your foot out so I can take a tumble, are you? You know I’m not above calling “Life Alert” and yelling breathlessly, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”. Of course, maybe that’s the point. Where you and Lindsay Lohan roommates? Is there a “Slam Book” with my name on the front page? PLASTIC!!!

Apparently you are aware I am writing this letter. I just looked down at my grumbling stomach and saw a baby’s butt. My sweet Julia is sound asleep in her crib (in her room) so would you mind calling the Mother of this….ahem…lovely….ahem…love child of Freddy Krueger? I’d put out an Amber Alert but I fear the photo would cause the masses to poke their own eyes out. Pirate patches for all? Not on my salary!

Is your slacking due to sickness? Are you running a fever above 105? I only ask because sometimes, when my husband gets really sick he takes Nyquil and accidentally falls into a stupor. Rip Van Winkle has nothing on Proctor & Gamble. Just sayin’. If this is the case, please put Father Time in charge whilst you are slumbering. “Time for a change,” that’s my current motto. (Sorry that was bad, but I’m pretty sure you have a sense of humor. After all, Ringling & Barnum did call the other day to let me know that a position had become available.)

Ok, so enough with beating around the bush…

In best regards,

Mom With A Pen