I am a 30-something Facebook junkie. Next year I’ll be a 40-year-old Facebook junkie. Better than a 40-year-old virgin. You’d think…but that might be an entire other blog post in itself. Just sayin’. The fact is, Mark Zuckerberg was on to something when he one-upped Myspace Tom -you know Myspace Tom, he’s everybody’s friend friend hoarder…

A couple of years ago, like many others, I flew from the Myspace “kooky coop” for a bit of friendly banter with Facebook’s “real” people. Don’t throw rotten tomatoes if I once called you my Myspace friend and now you are my IRL friend. Just ask yourself, “How long did that take? Was it really worth it?” Oh, and then don’t delete me.

Speaking of, why is it when a Facebook friend ticks you off, you throw your hands up…and then delete them? Is this really the best we can do these days? Sure, Zuckerberg has a poke them back button when you are feeling a bit friendly, but what he really needs is an Adobe Flash Black Hawk that blows their profile up…with added sound bytes if you click Like.

Let me clarify, there IS a difference between a Facebook friend and a real friend. A Facebook friend might be a friend-of-a-friend, but you don’t visit their house…unannounced…in the middle of the week…with your entire family in tow. That is cause for a restraining order. Ok maybe not…no really, I’m serious. The Po-Po is going to be watching you. Look, there are no magically-delicious, socially-accepted Facebook protocols to follow to-the-tee, but if you just show up at my front doorstep…someone is going to get hurt. Just so you know, I have a white belt in Taekwando.

As a general social rule, there are also people you should NOT friend. Here are two questions you should ask yourself BEFORE adding someone into your virtual life:

• Do you know this person? Have you EVER known this person? If you went to high school with this individual, but didn’t run in the same circles with them, that’s cause for a new Facebook friend list. If you went to a high school with the same name…in a different country, you might as well join “Nuts R Us,” because a very pretty Mail Order Bride is waiting to love you for life.

• Have you talked to this person recently? Have you EVER talked to this person? Do you even speak their language? You can always rekindle a past friendship, but if you need a “Hello…my name is” tag stuck to their forehead… or if you need Rosetta Stone to write on their wall, take a walk around the block…meet some neighbors…get a grip! (And I’m not talking about your iPhone with its Facebook App either!)

We all have to be wary of Facebook friend hoarders. One-third of the people on Facebook are friend hoarders. Look, if your real friend isn’t one and your brother-in-law isn’t one  —wait for it—  That’s right, it’s you! Do you really need to “double your trouble” by the 1st of the month…every month? The old “Cheers” song title should definitely be considered before running amok and clicking-like-a-chicken with its head cut off. If Purdue has nothing on you, re-evaluate the situation and join a cooking club on “Meetup”, get a recipe on “Big Oven”, or volunteer at the local shelter. They say dogs are “a man’s best friend”. Hmmm…maybe that’s why I have two. I don’t know about poultry however…

One last thing, I understand that people love sharing, but do we also need to know every step your gaming-alter-ego makes? Dare Bessie goes dry without you siphoning her sac at 2pm? What really happens if you don’t wrangle that rubber snake in the Wild Wild West? Oh, and Mafia Wars…Don’t get me started. Until we can figure out how to dole out big burlaps of “Super Grow” to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, or actually beat “Family Feud”, I don’t want to scroll indefinitely to see a status update you made in in 2004. Just sayin’.

There is no denying that Facebook is a phenomenal vehicle; it’s well-loved for its social networking capabilities. It’s a wonderful place to re-connect, share, strengthen, play, encourage, laugh… Of course if you are also saying, “there is no place like it” then perhaps you should click your ruby reds and you (and I) should skip arm-in-arm down the yellow brick road. Sometimes I have to remember this. I really do.

Heeeeeeey….*Sending you Friend Request*