Lately, I’m like a newborn baby, for chrissakes! I can’t sleep through the nite and it’s driving me mad! MAD, I tell you!!! I’ve heard this could be the onset of perimenopause. Which is odd because isn’t perimenopause the onset of menopause? How many ‘onsets’ do we need to go through before we just dry up, already?? I’ve tried taking melatonin. It works… somewhat. I sleep deeply. Have weird dreams. THEN wake up. It’s great (sarcasm). The most recent melatonin-induced dreams include my husband telling me, “The money has run out. Go get a corporate job, again.” (although, this could have been reality and my subconscious has chosen to bank it as a dream); President Obama telling me, “What DO you do? Write? You’re not a writer! Go get me a real writer!!”; my daughter telling me, “Daddy is crying in the chair, again.” (again, this one could be reality. You decide.)

My precarious slumber is also affected by my husband’s sleep habits. The man sleeps diagonally. We have an ultra-king-sized bed and he sleeps diagonally while I clutch for dear life to the edge of the bed, one foot on the floor for added stability. He also snores. And grinds his teeth. It’s great (more sarcasm). Sometimes (if he’s not already diagonal), he crosses over the center line (AKA The Demilitarized Zone) and inadvertently touches me. Don’t touch me when I’m sleeping. I don’t want to be touched, cuddled, bumped into. And I don’t want to have The Sex if I’m already asleep! But that’s a whole ‘nother blog post…

So I lay awake and check the time in a borderline Obsessive/Compulsive manner – and we’re off to the horse races! I have an addiction to general facts and insignifica. Oh! I have an app for that! (I do. Really. It’s called Curious Facts For the Factual Individual) Here’s a glimpse of last nite’s insomnia babble (it definitely deserves its own paragraph):

Let’s seeeeee…. Wow! That iPhone is bright at 3am! Now here’s a good one. The word ‘byte’ is a contraction of ‘by eight’. [Hm. Who knew. Mason. I bet he knew.]    The expression ‘to get fired’ comes from long ago clans that wanted to get rid of unwanted people, burning their houses instead of killing them. [Hold on. INSTEAD of killing them? So killing them was the old-school way???]   Approximately 70% of the Earth is water yet only 1% of that water is drinkable. [That would make a great beer or wine campaign. 'Conserve our limited water resource! Drink more beer!'. Oh wait. I bet water is used to make beer. Dammit. Foiled again!]   The phrase ‘rule of thumb’ is derived from an old English law which stated a man couldn’t beat his wife with anything wider than a thumb. [Well, thank God they had size limits, back then. Now that's what I call humanity!]   Some lions mate over 50 times/day. [Note to self: don't tell Matt this. He'll lock and load that info and throw it out every. single. nite!]   The human eye never grows but the nose and ears never stop growing. [Shit. I'm doomed.]   The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. [I knew that!! I learned that from Phineas and Ferb!]  You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV. [Oh the bitter, bitter irony.]   The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes. [BASTARDS!]   A bull can inseminate 300 cows from one single ejaculation. [Again. Don't! Tell! Matt!!]

I have a friend who posts uber-funny Face Book status updates. She takes Face Book’s question of “what’s on your mind” literally and posts a totally stream-of-conscious update. That is exactly how my brain works at 3am. Ready for another flash into my muddy head? Buckle up. Safety first!

I’m not really shy about my body; I probably should be. I should really keep paper and a pen by my bedside; I come up with some of the BEST blog post ideas. What was that one I came up with last nite? Did I remember to take the melatonin? I wonder what would happen if I took it… again? Is it too late for me to become a dancer? I wonder who I pissed off, today. Let me think about that…. I wonder who I didn’t piss off, today. I really need to look into writing that book. Is a 5-page book even marketable? Gawd! How do people write allllllllll thoooooooose paaaaaaaages of woooooords???!!! I’m tapped out after 500 words. What time is it now? Okay. If I fall asleep NOW, I can still log 3 solid hours of sleep. Okay. NOW. What was that noise? I should go check it out. And while I’m downstairs, I’ll just slip into the pantry and get a spoonful of peanut butter. Technically, I’m not exceeding my calories for the day cuz it’s not yesterday anymore. Do I really have to log it as today’s calories? Is it really today? This is sort of like ‘calorie-limbo’. I need to really work this angle while I got it. What time is it now?

Stay tuned to this station for more sleepless babble….
-B(Sting)