Amid much personal turmoil I’ve been experiencing lately, came this little spiky nugget of information that hit me right where it hurts, my ego.  I am a fashion don’t.  I was completely unaware of the large black bar hanging over my eyeballs that, apparently, is visible to everyone else within camera range.

Life has been a bit messy lately.  Details I won’t share but I am in the process of cleaning out my birdhouse of a brain and my slovenly soul.  All the while, trying to keep the kids in apple pancakes and socks.  After a particularly bad couple of days, I decided to take a breather out of town.  Before I left, a friend dropped off some well wishes and a book she thought would help.

It is a self-help book of sorts.  She had read it once a few years back on the advice of someone in the know.  One of the “traits” of a person in need of this book is “lack of self-care.”  At least that is what the book says.  The way my friend worded it was “you walk around disheveled.”

Ouch!  I know I’m no Gossip Girl trendsetter but disheveled?  Every now and again I have a  don’t-feel-like-showering day.  On those days, if I do venture out of doors, I at least half-ass a bit of upkeep.  Hair up and back, little powder and lip gloss and I’m good to go.  Most days, however, I am showered, hair done, make-up attempted and clothing..well, clothing as good as it gets from my closet.

I will admit my wardrobe is lacking.  I mostly wear jeans and almost all of them are hand-me-downs from my sister and even a pair from my daughter.  The last pair of pants I bought for myself were the $15 Old Navy sale jeans after Christmas.  I also have a collection of well-worn cotton tee-shirts in the long and short sleeve variety.  It isn’t that I’m lacking in the fashion and taste department.  It is that I’m lacking in the funding department.  I don’t care what anyone says, fashion costs.  A cheap shirt is a cheap shirt.  A well-made flattering shirt is going to be out of range for the Wal-Mart budget and more along the lines of Banana Republic budget.

Disheveled?  Maybe it was the canvas World Market bag I was using for a diaper bag/purse.  That was quite some time ago, though.  Maybe it’s the Chuck Taylors.  I know they aren’t your average mom or lady-about-town wear but I like them.  At least I haven’t resorted to sweatpants.  (I know, I know put your pitchforks down!)  My personal stance on sweatpants……I don’t wear them out of the house.  I have never seen a flattering pair of sweatpants even the ”fancy” (translation: expensive) ones.  That is an oxymoron if I ever heard one, fancy sweatpants.

In my defense, I (unlike my friend) am a mom.  Not just any mom but a mom with a child under five.  That means  having to get ready in minutes, not half-hours or hours………minutes.  That means hunting down that mascara that was there just a second ago and hoping it has not become a new art installation.  That means playing tug-of-war with the shirt I was about to put on then giving up and hunting down a new, hopefully non-stretched-out shirt.  That shirt will most likely not be the same shirt I will be wearing in the evening because said shirt will have been the victim of a splashy toddler, sticky hands,unwanted food……etc.  You get the idea.

It kind of goes like this:

T=time in minutes available to get ready       B= fashion budget

N=number of kids under 5                                    P=amount of presentable

Therefore:     B (T ÷ N) = P

Now for my friend, the formula goes something like this    B x T = P

Of course, if I spent more of my precious time on my appearance instead of figuring out silly formulas…..

I’ll just have to be content for the time being in my state of “don’t-ness.”  I don’t see any more free time coming my way nor a giant stack of cash.  Although, a true friend would’ve sicked Stacy and Clinton on me in a second.  I could use the $5000.oo card and the trip to New York City (hint, hint).  In the mean time, I’ll have my garbage bag open and ready.