There are things you should know when you have a baby, and then there are things you learn; sometimes those lines are blurred. Like way back when, when Madison was about 3 months. She cried every time I put her down and her nights and days were definitely confused. This went on for two more months. I was confused and utterly exhausted. I met an older gentleman who told me I should turn the baby upside down to reset its clock. I was skeptical but he assured me his Mother knew what she was talking about. Let’s just say, Madison loves to do cartwheels but isn’t in a hurry to get anywhere anytime soon. What can I say? You take desperate measures when you don’t know your name, your address and don’t remember what a zip code is. Just sayin’.

Having a second child is like having a second chance. You feel like a know-it-all. You’re a champion that doesn’t sweat. Of course, maybe it’s just the new deodorant. (There’s probably a commercial somewhere that solidifies that statement.) Of course, that doesn’t mean you aren’t vulnerable:

Daddy Bill: There’s an old wives tale that says you put a bowl of eggs in front of a teething baby. Let the baby choose an egg and the one it chooses, you put into a sock. Hang that sock in a corner of the room and your baby will never cry from teething.

After much consideration and hesitation, my response? Why doesn’t the baby cry? Do you think it’s because it is afraid that you will break the 3-week old rotting egg if it does?

Look, Moms are already confused. We don’t need an old wives tale (or two) to make us more stupid than we already are. We don’t need a test with an infinite amount of wrong answers folks; multiple choice will suffice. And where is the “EASY” button that these office supply stores talk so highly of? Inquiring minds want to know!

I’m not saying life has to spell it out for us. Moms don’t need a Helen-Keller-hand or a giant banner that says: This Way to Sanity. However, instead of giving us a mauve-colored basin and a bulb the size of Arkansas to suck the brains snot out of our beloved, how about handing us a compass. One of those cheap ones that kids find in Cracker Jack boxes would do just fine. At least then we’d know which way was North up!