I am in need of Super-Duper-Massive-Strength Tylenol. I just opened the packet from Madison’s Open House and apparently I will need homeschooling this year. Our elementary school’s policy is that parents may visit at any time. I wonder if the 1st Grade teacher will be willing to give me a kid-sized desk and a paper name plate? Magnetic Poles…Sacagawea? Here I come!

I am an extremely pro-active parent when it comes to education. It’s not because I am concerned about the welfare of my child though. No, I just don’t want my kid to know more than I do. Look, would you call the homework hot-line…er…when your kid is only six? Stay on top of curricula so you have time to secretly look things up on Wikipedia. That’s my mantra. In fact, today I downloaded the Wikipedia for iPhone app to support the fact that I don’t know Jack. (Other than Jack and the Beanstalk.) Yes sadly, as of today, I’ve just lost “Words With Friends” and “Bejeweled” time. Darn 1st Grade!

Who told these six-year-olds that they need to be this smart anyway? By the time my youngest is “turning the tassel” in HER first grade Twinkle Toes, she’ll also be wearing pinstripes in Worsted Wool and spouting off the Laws of Sines, Cosines and Tangents. (Which, after typing that, I immediately thought of “Lions and Tigers and Bears…” Everyone say it with me now… “Oh My!”) Yes, thank God for occupations requiring use of the right brain, or I’d be pan-handling Exit 67-B off of I-4…in a hand-stitched Minnie costume…with one…sort-of-glove…and looking like a Michael Jackson-the-Mouse wannabe…er…sort-of…(moon) walking.

Thank God for the internet. Seriously, what did our parents do…and, come to think of it…THEIR parents do, without it? Remember when we had to “Go look it up in the Dictionary?” Didn’t THEIR parents have to write with coal? Or at least that’s what my Grandfather told me. Or maybe I read that in a book somewhere. How do teachers expect ME to detail the Adventures of Lewis & Clark…when I can’t even remember if the “ancients” wrote in chalk, bile or coal? …

Everything, now, is as simple as a pair of ruby red slippers…

…Just a click away.

Only using the other extrematies.

*sigh*

Oh yeah, and being Asian doesn’t help. You know, other parents think you are on the ball. The only ball I would ever be on, is if Rawlings started putting Mommies without Brains on their minor league-ware. You know, Mommies instead of…and milk cartons? It’s late. Forgive me. I’m lucky if I can make change with nickels, much less than “Count and make a fair trade involving a combination of bills.” And, since I’m a thrifty shopper, will they deduct points if I teach my daughter that “fair trade” often involves a 10% off coupon….on top of that BOGO?

One of the items 1st Graders are supposed to master is to “sing melodies in a limited range using head voice”. First of all, how limited? Limited like “squeak-it-out in the shower kind of voice” or do they want actual clarity and tone? Do they know the child comes from a line of “karaoke-car singers” that don’t do weddings for a reason? And don’t get me started on “Rhythmic concepts”. Madison can herky-jerk to Electric Company funk, but I wouldn’t exactly call that rhythm. Poor kid is going to get shafted because she “stirs the soup” like a white girl!

If you have kids, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Or maybe you are fearless and are taking Pre-School in strides. The Character Word for April is: Personal Best. Yes, I’m going to remind the teacher of that when she hands me MY my daughter’s report card. Just sayin’…