When you are pregnant, sometime in your third trimester, you will wake up one morning and scream at the freakishly-large circus performer you’ve become. I passed by the mirror this morning and had to do a triple-take. Thank God that the 80′s have come and gone because if I would have had striped stretch pants and a boxy men’s jacket on, you would have handed me stark-white pancake makeup and a round red nose. How many comic buffoons can you fit in a VW? Well these days, if I’m included, sadly…um… just one.

In fact last week I was laying on our bed. All comfy and cozy on top of our sand-colored duvet… just relaxing. Not a care in the world. The phone rang and, as much as I tried, I couldn’t get up. I was stuck, writhing and wriggling like a beached whale. My only salvation is that no one was home to see the Orca land exhibition. Of course, having no one there was a downfall too. At least the remote for the tv was nearby.

Look, I know I’ve only put on about 15 pounds thus far, but don’t you remember Thanksgiving? When you lugged and tossed that 15 pound turkey into your cart? Didn’t you grunt just a little? Next time try shoving poultry under your polo and duct tape that baby on for a while. I bet you’ll be crying “Uncle” before your next meal at Aunt B’s. You know, come to think of it, this might be a really good exercise for the men of the world. Just sayin’.

One of my good friends told me she gained 75 pounds by the time she gave birth to her son. If I was “beached” at 15 pounds, surely I would break the bed by 75. I’d have to explain to Sterns & Foster how that happened. Thankfully I think we’re still under warranty. Of course, knowing the mattress companies of America, I’m sure there’s a clause to exclude the mishaps of pregnant women. Especially if the claims adjuster drops in and I’m still ON the broken bed.

Thank God that Maternity clothes have gotten so much more stylish. I mean, if you can be “stylin” waddling around like “Happy Feet” without a tapping dance. Maternity clothes… Do they have runway models for that? If so, I’m sure the use of small fluffy round pillows where the “bulge” is, lends inspiration to market buyers. No one tells you that the belly isn’t the only thing that fluffs when you’re puffed. If one of my pregnant hips even brushed by one of those “Top Models”, I’d knock her across the room. The ambulance would have to be called and the medics, most likely, would have to resuscitate her. (Because Lord knows I couldn’t bend down to save a life in my state.)

I honestly don’t know what’s in store for me in these last few months but all I can say is keep small children and pets from underneath, and if you care to get the camcorder out, at least provide me with a man-sized reptile costume so I can play the role of Godzilla. You do realize I’m laughing now…because I can see Japanese people everyone gasping as Godzilla unzips and…it’s a pregnant Korean woman. How appropriate. But seriously, say a little prayer… because it’s not over until the fat lady sings.

Of course, karoake night is on Thursdays… so I hear.