I thought that having a deployment notch on my experience belt would make it easier to go through this second tour of deployment…I was so wrong.

My Army National Guard husband got off for pass this last weekend before heading off overseas.  I went to pick him up on Friday for Tiger Day and family day, and we made some good family memories.  But,  Tuesday morning I had to send my husband back to Camp Shelby, MS. for the second time, when I really just wanted to “kidnap” him and keep him here.

My title “Saying Goodbye for the Second Time” is actually two-fold.  In one way because my husband has been deployed before, and in another way because I said “goodbye” the first time on January 5th of this year.  I don’t know what I was thinking when I thought the second time around would be easier, because it’s not.  As his bus pulled away from the 199th parking lot, it began to hit me, and my eyes started to tear up.  I didn’t let myself cry my eyes out, I needed to be strong for my children, because they were both with me.  And besides, it would be most embarrassing, I’d save that for when I was behind closed doors.  However, we did run to the other side of the parking lot where we could see his bus on the highway and waved at the big black and yellow streak till there was nothing left but a black and yellow dot.  Resisting any urge that I had to pick up my cell phone and call him, I steered our children back to the van.

In the beginning, when he left in January, it didn’t bother me that much.  I think it was because I knew he was coming home in a couple of months for pass before heading overseas, and he was just at training.  But now it does bother me, since he’s going to be leaving tomorrow to go to Iraq, and I have to wait till July to be able to see him.  I know, you’re probably thinking “that’s only a few months away”, but it’s a few months a way in a volatile country.  He told me that he won’t have to run any missions, but who knows when they get over there…they might need him to take someone else’s place, so I don’t hold much stock in what he said.   Not that he’d lie to me;  it would be someone else’s doing. 

I am a very patriotic person (I put it as one of my moods on every blog I do), and I support EVERY SINGLE ONE of our troops, and I am grateful for their service and sacrifices they make to provide me with a better country in which to live.  I am especially grateful to my husband who sacrifices so much to take care of us.  But, it’s hard to show my support for the war at times.  It’s hard to not look at a Middle Easterner in the U.S. without thinking something I shouldn’t.  It would be hard for me to raise my head if I was from a country who wreaked havoc on the country I was living in at the time.  Emails swarmed the internet with “Remember 9/11″.  Well, I will never forget it; that was the day that caused our family to be torn apart every five years, so that  my husband could go fight a war that will be never-ending.  Look at Afghnistan.  Five years from December which is when they’re supposed to come home, they’ll be fighting in Afghanistan…even if they do find Bin Laden before then.  Some Al Kaida (not sure how to spell that) vigilante will rise to power and take his unrightful place as head of the U.S. haters.   And, it will start all over again!

Even though this tour is shorter (last time it was 18 months altogether), it doesn’t make it any better.  Things can still happen in a short deployment.  People tell me “Oh don’t think like that, he’ll be okay.”  Can you honestly promise me that my husband will make it back to me, give me a guarantee?  No, they can’t.  So, why say it?  It’s best just to say “I’ll pray for his safe return.”  It wouldn’t be healthy for me to go through this tour with rose-colored glasses on thinking everything is going to be okay, because there is a chance that it won’t be okay, a chance for my husband to meet his maker.  If I can be realistic and take off those rose-colored glasses, it will better prepare me if that day ever were to come.

And if or when that day comes, I will be devastated, but I won’t be defeated, because Joel and I were sealed in a temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and we will be together for all time and eternity…not just till death do us part.  It’s knowing that truth right there that will provide me the comfort I will need to be able to get through it.          Just Sharin’