Similar to The Art of War, a Chinese military treatise that was written by Sun Tzu in the 6th century BC, the art of hugging is just as revealing, albeit not as well documented.

Hugging conveys the enigmatic glory of the human soul (I heard a sentence similar to this on the radio and resolved to somehow wicker it into a blog post).  It makes us feel connected, warm, acknowledged, and loved.

Either you are a hugger or you are not.  There is no sitting on the fence.  If you are sitting on the fence or have never really thought about your hugability, you may be guilty of The Painful Hug.  The Painful Hug may be too rough – like you’re a linebacker – or it may be hesitant  and ingenuine (is that a word?).  Worse, you may be the dreaded Mannequin Hugger!  Are you familiar with these types?  No?  Maybe because you ARE this type.  The Mannequin Hugger assumes the plastic doll stance (arms stiffly bent, hands open and flat, head tilted to the side, feet shoulder-width apart, nonplussed look in the eyes) and maintains a safe 1-3 inch distance during the embrace.  Body parts do NOT touch – except maybe the open, flat hands on the receiver’s shoulders.  Occasionally a patronizing mechanical back-pat is added for effect.

Hugging is not always appropriate.  But when it is, different situations call for different hug-types:

• Hello Hug Hello hugs are fast and easy and administered when you greet someone.  No need to linger.  Hug and quickly step away.  Watch out for the lingering hand-hold.  Nobody really knows what to do with that kind of sustained contact.

• Goodbye Hug Goodbye hugs are especially awkward if you aren’t in tune with your own status.  Goodbyes can linger forever if you don’t own it.  Ever been caught in a situation where someone has approached you to say goodbye or you go to say goodbye to someone but the actual goodbye never seems to happen?  That’s because one or both of you don’t know where the clean break is.  The clean break is in the hug, itself.  Step in, embrace, say it, turn and walk away.   In some cases, a goodbye hug is especially important if you’re close to the person (as in relationship – not as in proximity); a wave in lieu of a hug indicates you may be a germaphobic tool.  If this is you, don’t get all pissed off at me cuz I just called you out.  Someone had to give it to you straight… and your friends sure as hell aren’t going to tell you.  Instead, they’re going to mock you behind your stiff back.  So get your shit together and hug your friends and loved ones, for chrissakes.  You’re not going to contract leprosy!

• I’m So Sorry Hug Ohhhh… this one’s a toughy!  Sometimes the intended recipient doesn’t want a hug.  Sometimes you’re really not sorry.  If it’s not genuine or wanted, don’t do it.  Put the ‘I’m so sorry’ look on your face, say the words, and (here’s the kicker) walk away.  Let me say that last part, again.  Walk away.  If you hang around after you say the words, you will have to come up with more words.  If the situation requires more words, then my guess is the situation also requires a hug.  Read the situation before going in and proceed with caution.

• I Love You Hug The I Love You Hug is the easiest of all the hugs.  You love the person.  Show em’.  Hug em’.  Never let go.

• I’m A Serial Killer Hug If you’re a serial killer, you have no business hugging people.  It’s a social taboo.  Stop.  Turn yourself in to the local authorities.

There is also a hierarchy of hugging distribution.  The easiest to execute is the opposite sex hug.  It’s commonplace and comfortable to hug the opposite sex.  Next is the woman-to-woman hug.  Women are (generally) open with each other and their feelings.  Women hugging women – whether brief or extended – is easy and laid back.  Lower down the hug-pyramid is the man-on-man hug.  Some men don’t want their intentions to be “misinterpreted” by their male receiver or by onlookers.  Frequently, their caution manifests itself through the safety gap (1-3 inches of untouched personal space) coupled with the rough back-slap.  It’s the man-hug that says, “I’m not gay.”  “Not that there’s anything wrong with that” (Seinfeld; The Outing – Season 4, Episode 17; Feb 11, 1993).

How to administer the perfect hug

1. Know your audience Read the situation, assess the people.  Some people don’t like to be hugged.  People who don’t like to be hugged may look down or away as you approach.  They may reposition themselves so there is something between you.  Running away or a restraining order is usually a good indicator that they don’t want you to hug them.  Be sensitive to their nonverbal communication and don’t push it.  Likewise, some occasions are not hug-friendly environments.  Refrain from hugging before or after an interview.  You won’t get the job.
2. Know yourself Are you the dominant hugger or do you wait to be hugged?  Are you open to hugging or are you an anti-hugger?  Figure out who you are and be proud of your hugginess!
3. Commit You must declare huggership and then commit to it.  If you are not committed, delivery will fall apart as soon as you step in.  Don’t be wishy-washy.  If you’re not the hugging type, close down your body language and send a nonverbal message that says ‘no hug for you’ (see examples in Know your audience).  Regardless, don’t waver in your convictions of who you are.  If you are a proud, card-carrying hugger, by george, step in and hug, baby!  HUG!
4. Perform Lean in, extend arms, open your facial expression, make eye contact, wrap your arms around the shoulders of your victim.  Give a light squeeze and release.  Don’t squeeze too hard.  If the recipient coughs, chokes, or turns blue; you’re too enthusiastic.  Don’t hold the hug for too long.  That’s just weird.

A final note, child-hugging is the wild card.  Some kids don’t like to be hugged or are too shy.  Don’t force the issue or you will find your name and profile picture on a public registry.  Some parents don’t like you to hug their children.  This one is tricky to troubleshoot.  Personally, I won’t hug a child unless their parent cajoles them into it.

There it is, friends.  What’s your hug-status?

-B(Sting)