Several weeks ago, I posted about a family struggling with their child’s fatal illness.  Sadly, that child passed away Friday nite.  He was too young.  The news rocked our community and my soul.  It left me begging the question “why” into the hot, suffocating air.

Why?  Why do children die?  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why is the drunk driver who mowed down and killed an entire family alive and unscathed?  Why?  Why?  WHY?!?!

“Why” sometimes morphs into “What did I do to deserve this?”  I asked this one a lot while struggling with 7 years of infertility and ectopic pregnancies. “Was it because I lied about why I was late getting to work?  Maybe because I told my parents to f-off that one time.  When I said I was ‘so over this’, I didn’t really mean I was OVER-over it.  It was just an expression!  I take it back.  I’m sorry.  I want a do-over!”

See what’s happening?  ‘Why’ can lead to bargaining (with God, the universe, Allah… whatever).  “If this can just go away, I promise to never lie again.  I promise to volunteer at church.  I will be SO GOOD!”  But the bargaining doesn’t pan out and the questions remain unanswered.

I’m human; I need answers.  And if there aren’t answers or the answers are lame hard to swallow, sometimes I lash out.  I lash out at friends, family, faith… whatever is near me. I’ve lashed out and lost faith many times.  I’ve alienated friends and family.  I’ve even nearly ruined my own marriage.  Those answers are so damned important to me;  and they evade me.

… But really, I’ve just forgotten….

The answer is harsh and unfair and (ironically) I’ve already – unwittingly – blurted it out.

The answer is:  I’m human.  We’re human.  We’re not perfect.  We’re not indestructible.  We’re not meant to live forever on this planet.  God never promised a long, earthly life.  The answer is a hard pill to swallow.  Tomorrow is no guarantee.  Does that scare the shit out of you as much as it does me?  What do you do with that fear?

I pray.  But what makes me think God will grant wishes like some sort of mighty genie in a bottle?  And if His answer is “no”, is it because I asked wrong?  Is it because I ask too often?  Do I ask for the wrong things?  Is He just sick of me asking all the time like a kid at a toy store, “Daddy!  Can I get this?  Can I have this?  Will you get this for me?  I want this, Daddy!”

I can tell you I pray to calm myself and sometimes I pray ‘just in case’…. you know, just in case He DOES say yes; just in case He ever says, “Well, you never asked”.  I try not to always ‘ask’, though.  I try to just chat or say thank you.  But sometimes the fear is so burgeoning, I wind up panicked and begging in lieu of praying.  Clearly, I missed the seminar on effective praying.

And then I’m back where I started:  Why?  I’ll pray.  Why am I praying?  Because I’m human.  Oh.  Right.

I realize I’m not really heading anywhere with this post; and you are freakishly brilliant if you were able to keep up with my rambling. Nonetheless, it was oddly cathartic and thank you for bearing with me. Before I set you free, may I ask that you pray; do magical incantations; light a candle; wish on a falling star; activate your psychic powers… whatever you can do to wash the child’s family with peace and calm.

-B(Sting)